


What up I'm Ling, I'm 17, and I never fucking learned how to read

by averywrites



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Group Chat Fic, M/M, Texting, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, chat fic, ed is a teacher, hes still like 17 though, mustangs team are teachers and everyone else is a student
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:54:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/averywrites/pseuds/averywrites
Summary: golden gaytime: milk doesnt stop incels from bursting into your room and calling you short-Ed is a child prodigy and joins Amestris High as a teacher at age 17. Shenanigans go down, all in the form of a chat fic (teachers and students included!)-yes this is a rewrite of a fic i stopped writing after 3 chapters. and what about it.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Ling Yao, Lan Fan/Paninya/Winry Rockbell, Mei Chan | May Chang/Alphonse Elric, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 9
Kudos: 159





	1. ed's horrible terrible no good very bad day

**Author's Note:**

> context: this starts teacher planning week  
> mustangs team all share the same hallway  
> ed is 17 and a prodigy  
> the other Kids minus al and mei are also 17  
> al's 16 and mei's 15  
> also here's the usernames
> 
> Ed-golden gaytime  
> Al-this bitch empty  
> Winry-bob the builder  
> Paninya-:3c  
> Ling-king dingaling  
> Lan fan-ninjago  
> Mei-yeet  
> Havoc: Havcock  
> everyone else is just their name! (for now)  
> Hope you enjoy!!

DM with this bitch empty

8:10 AM

**golden gaytime:** UGH

**this bitch empty:** hewwo bwothew :3c

**golden gaytime:** die.

**this bitch empty:** you shouldnt be so mean to your little brother :/

**golden gaytime:** you shouldnt be a furry and yet here we are

**this bitch empty:** well YOU shouldnt be on your phone when you’re supposed to be going to a meeting!

**this bitch empty:** and im not a furry

**golden gaytime:** you cant hide from the truth

**this bitch empty:** >>:3c

**golden gaytime:** and meetings suck ass

**this bitch empty:** eloquent as always, brother

**golden gaytime:** i have to go punch god in the face don’t die while i’m gone

**this bitch empty:** have fun!

**golden gaytime:** no.

8:30 AM

**golden gaytime:** AL

**this bitch empty:** yes brother?

**golden gaytime:** I WALK IN

**golden gaytime:** ALL HEADS TURN TO ME LIKE IM IN A GODDAMN TEEN MOVIE

**golden gaytime:** THERE IS A MOMENT OF SILENCE

**golden gaytime:** AND THEN

**this bitch empty** : and then…?

**golden gaytime:** THIS BASTARD LOOKS ME IN THE EYE

**golden gaytime:** AND SAYS

**golden gaytime:** “STUDENTS DONT START UNTIL NEXT WEEK”

**this bitch empty** : djkhbndjnxf

**golden gaytime:** THIS ISNT FUNNY!

**golden gaytime:** THEY TOLD ME TO TAKE OUT MY DRIVERS LICENSE TO PROVE THAT I WAS ACTUALLY EDWARD ELRIC AND IT WAS IN THAT MOMENT I WANTED TO DIE

**golden gaytime:** I HAD TO SHOW THEM MY MERE PERMIT AND THEY HAD THE NERVE TO L A U G H

**this bitch empty:** well its not exactly common for a 17 year old to be a teacher

**golden gaytime:** i cant believe youd betray me like this

**golden gaytime:** me, your own brother

**this bitch empty:** youre so dramatic

**this bitch empty:** dont you have a meeting to be paying attention to?

**golden gaytime:** nah theyre just going over the rules

**this bitch empty:** bwother! 

**golden gaytime** : 1) die

**golden gaytime:** 2) unlike most people i read the fucking handbook i already know everything

9:07 AM

**golden gaytime:** i crave death

**golden gaytime:** mr incel over here keeps flirting with everyone

**golden gaytime:** hes not even flirting well

**this bitch empty:** who is mr incel

**this bitch empty:** please tell me i dont have him i might die

**golden gaytime:** nah he teaches gym

**this bitch empty:** oh good

**this bitch empty:** who do i have

**this bitch empty:** if im going to have a teacher for a brother im damn well going to cash in on my nepotism points

**golden gaytime:** mr bastard teaches physics and calc so youre stuck with him for three entire periods

**this bitch empty:** mr bastard?

**golden gaytime:** hes the one who told me students dont start until next week AND asked me for my drivers license all with this FUCKING smirk on his face

**golden gaytime:** i want to deck him

**this bitch empty:** i dont think thats a good idea

**golden gaytime:** well i WONT but i would like to

**golden gaytime:** at least not on campus

**this bitch empty:** :/

**golden gaytime:** the ap bio teacher seems ok shes pretty young too

**golden gaytime:** the other bio teacher keeps making moon eyes at her though

**this bitch empty:** good!

**this bitch empty:** at least about her being young

**this bitch empty:** i dont want to think about teachers flirting

**golden gaytime:** you and me both

**golden gaytime:** the econ teacher has a daughter he doesnt shut up about

**golden gaytime:** id be prepared to see atleast ten pictures of her every class period

**golden gaytime:** and the ap lit teacher seems fine

**golden gaytime:** none of them are as cool as me though

**this bitch empty:** mhm

**this bitch empty:** whatever helps you sleep at night, brother

Roy Mustang has added Riza Hawkeye and 9 others to ABCD Hallway Group Chat

9:20 AM

**Roy Mustang:** Please keep this group chat professional, it should be used for work purposes only.

**golden gaytime:** coward

**Riza Hawkeye:** Why?

**Riza Hawkeye:** We are sitting right next to each other.

**Riza Hawkeye:** This is not necessary.

**Maes Hughes:** Oh goody! Another place for me to share pictures of my lovely Elicia! :D

**Maes Hughes:** [elicia30.png]

**Havcock:** lighten up roy

**Havcock:** oh

**Havcock:** oh no

**Roy Mustang:** Jean... why?

**Havcock:** i wish i could tell you

**golden gaytime:** i cant believe this incel has a better username than all you losers

**Roy Mustang:** What’s an incel?

**golden gaytime:** you, probably

**Maria Ross:** Just google it

**Roy Mustang:** I don’t disrespect women!

**Havcock:** if she breathes she a thot

**golden gaytime:** ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS

**Havcock:** hawkeye! Youve wounded me :( steel toed boots hurt

**Riza Hawkeye:** Good.

**Roy Mustang:** I am not an “incel”!

**golden gaytime:** thats what an incel would say

**Roy Mustang:** Maybe you’ve been the incel all along.

**golden gaytime:** i never want to read that sentence ever again and especially not from you

**Roy Mustang:** Then you shouldn’t go around calling people incels.

**golden gaytime:** alright old man fight me behind a dennys parking lot

**Roy Mustang:** Why would I do that?

**Roy Mustang:** And I’m not old!

**Roy Mustang:** Twenty-nine is still young!

**golden gaytime:** sure it is old man

**Riza Hawkeye:** Everytime you two speak I lose ten years of my life

Riza Hawkeye has changed the group chat name to Mustang get your shit together

**Roy Mustang:** I am not the only one at fault here!

**Riza Hawkeye:** You are the adult, though. You should not be arguing with a kid about being an incel.

**golden gaytime:** HEY! IM NOT A KID!

**Havcock:** youre literally 12

**golden gaytime:** i am SEVENTEEN

**Havcock:** a baby

**golden gaytime:** perish.

**Riza Hawkeye:** Everybody off the phones, now. This paperwork won’t fill itself out.

Golden gaytime has added this bitch empty and 3 others to Welcome to Bible Study!

9:30 AM

**golden gaytime:** welcome students.

**bob the builder:** literally none of us are in your class but go off i guess

**golden gaytime:** respect your elders winry

**bob the builder:** says you

**golden gaytime:** HEY! I am perfectly respectful of my elders

**this bitch empty:** today you called another teacher an incel

**golden gaytime:** al you traitor, i told you that in CONFIDENCE

**golden gaytime:** this is biphobia

**golden gaytime:** i hate all of you

**golden gaytime:** i have to GO because unlike you all i have a JOB

**golden gaytime:** an ADULT job

**golden gaytime:** because im an ADULT now

Mustang get your shit together

10:45 AM

**Havcock:** HELP I THINK I JUST KILLED OUR NEW CHEM TEACHER

**Maria Ross:** Again??

**Roy Mustang:** What did you do this time?

**Havcock:** nothing!

**Havcock:** i just walked in and he fell!

**Roy Mustang:** Sure.

**Riza Hawkeye:** Is he conscious?

**Havcock:** i think so

10:58 AM

**Havcock:** he is, in fact, conscious

**Havcock:** he is also very loud

**golden gaytime:** YOURE THE ONE WHO NOT ONLY MADE ME FALL BUT ALSO CALLED ME SHORT AS I DIED ON MY OWN CLASSROOM FLOOR

**golden gaytime:** im suing you for emotional trauma

**Havcock:** babies cant sue people

**golden gaytime:** IM NOT A BABY

**Maes Hughes:** You know who is a baby?! My lovely daughter Elicia!!

**Maes Hughes:** [elicia34.png]

**Maes Hughes:** Look at her!! She’s running around all by herself!!

**Riza Hawkeye:** She’s lovely, Hughes. Now, can everyone please get back to work?

Welcome to bible study!

11:00 AM

**golden gaytime:** i just almost died

**bob the builder:** maybe you should drink more milk

**golden gaytime:** no.

**golden gaytime:** milk doesnt stop incels from bursting into your room and calling you short

**bob the builder:** i mean.

**bob the builder:** you aren’t wrong

**golden gaytime:** also all of you are terrible people for not asking how i just almost DIED

**:3c:** you literally almost die every day.

**golden gaytime:** one day im going to actually die and you will all be sorry for not taking me seriously

**this bitch empty:** more apple pie for me then!

**golden gaytime:** WOW

**this bitch empty:** dont you have lesson plans to finish at your Adult Job

**golden gaytime:** oh fuck


	2. dumbassphobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this bitch empty: brother i will not hesitate to end you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter includes my trans agenda and my son <3

Mustang get your shit together

9:15 AM

**Denny Brosch:** I need to get something off my chest…

**Denny Brosch:** Guess who’s getting top surgery!!

**golden gaytime:** god i wish that was me

**Maria Ross:** Congrats!!!!

**Riza Hawkeye:** Congrats, Brosch.

**golden gaytime:** wait

**golden gaytime:** your name is fucking denny???

Denny Brosch’s username has been changed to Denny’s Diner

**Denny’s Diner:** This is blatant transphobia.

**Denny’s Diner:** I’m suing whoever changed my name as this is obviously a hate crime.

**Havcock:** youre trans???????????

**Rebecca Catalina:** Jean...

**golden gaytime:** i

**Kain Fuery:** What did you think he meant by top surgery???

**Havcock:** uh

**Havcock:** it just,, took a moment to sink in?

**Heymans Breda:** This is why you can’t get a girl.

**Havcock:** HEY!!

**Denny’s Diner:** Jean we've known each other for five years

**Denny’s Diner:** How, may I ask, the fuck

**Havcock:** this is bullying

**Havcock:** youre all enforcing dumbassphobia and i will not stand for this!

Havcock’s username has been changed to dumbass

Kain Fuery’s username has been changed to dumbassphobic

**dumbass:** WOW

**dumbass:** why do you all hate me

**dumbassphobic:** It had to be done.

**golden gaytime:** thats...gay

**dumbass:** you literally have gay in your name

**golden gaytime:** ya

**golden gaytime:** im an expert

**dumbass:** i need to sit down

**dumbass:** this is too much

**golden gaytime:** really living up to your dumbass incel title huh

**dumbass:** perish.

Welcome to bible study!

10:13 AM

**golden gaytime:** PSA the gym teacher is a dumbass incel

**:3c:** am i going to have to throw one of my legs at him in class

**golden gaytime:** perhaps

**:3c:** aight ill start keeping spare parts in my locker

**:3c:** i might just have to start seeing a mechanic after every gym,,,what a shame,,,that i dont know anyone,,,up to the challenge

**:3c:** a tragedy,,, that there is not a wonderful blonde mechanic,,,in my home,,, right now,,,

**bob the builder:** wow thats gay

**:3c:** me? gay? never 

Mustang get your shit together

12:10 PM

**Heymans Breda:** Fuery are you ok?

**Heymans Breda:** That was a very loud scream

**Roy Mustang:** Do you need help, Fuery?

**dumbass:** kain you good??

**Rebecca Catalina:** “Kain” 

**dumbass:** don’t.

**Riza Hawkeye:** Fuery is fine.

**dumbassphobic:** DID YOU GUYS KNOW ED IS MISSING AN ARM?!

**dumbass:** hes WHAT

**golden gaytime:** oh you didnt know?

**golden gaytime:** all the teens these days only have one arm and one leg

**dumbass:** YOURE MISSING A LEG TOO??

**golden gaytime:** all the cool kids are

**Rebecca Catalina:** I guess you could say...it really cost you an arm and a leg

**golden gaytime:** hahaha wow havent heard that one before

**Roy Mustang:** You have to be over 5 feet tall to be cool, it’s in Newton’s laws.

**golden gaytime:** WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT YOU FUCKING CRUSTY ASS 1971 FORD MUSTANG

**golden gaytime:** ILL KILL YOU YOU BASTARD

**Roy Mustang:** Good luck reaching that high.

12:25 PM

**Roy Mustang:** THROWING YOUR ARM AT ME WAS NOT NECESSARY

**Riza Hawkeye:** You had it coming, sir.

**Roy Mustang:** You’re my wife you’re supposed to be on my side!

**dumbass:** YOURE MARRIED?!

**dumbass:** ok im kidding this time

**dumbass:** i was a groomsman i know youre married

**Vato Falman:** I would hope so.

**Roy Mustang:** Also I told you you can stop calling me sir.

**Riza Hawkeye:** But why would I want to do that?

**Riza Hawkeye:** Sir.

**golden gaytime:** oh get a room

**golden gaytime:** my poor pure eyes cant handle this

**Roy Mustang:** We HAD a room until you and your disembodied limbs barged in!

Welcome to bible study!

12:30 PM

**golden gaytime:** [moostang.png]

**golden gaytime:** this is what i have to deal with daily.

**bob the builder:** your eyes have never been pure

**:3c:** you? pure?? since when???

**this bitch empty:** brother do you know what pure means? because you didnt use it right in that sentence

**this bitch empty:** all this work for a phd and you dont even know what pure means...

**golden gaytime:** i came out here to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

**bob the builder:** is he really as gross as a 1971 ford mustang

**golden gaytime:** personality wise? yes

**golden gaytime:** physically? unfortunately not

**bob the builder:** what does he look like?

**golden gaytime:** [cryptidmustard.png]

**yeet:** Is that your arm barreling towards him?

**golden gaytime:** ya

**:3c:** iconic

**:3c:** limb throwing buddies strike again

DM with golden gaytime

**Roy Mustang:** Have you talked to anyone about disability accommodations?

**golden gaytime:** no

**golden gaytime:** im fine on my own

**Roy Mustang:** I’m sure there’s more that can be done to make working easier.

**golden gaytime:** im on the first floor im Fine

**golden gaytime:** ive been missing half my limbs since i was 11 im not gonna start needing help now

**Roy Mustang:** If you insist.

**Roy Mustang:** But if you do decide you need help, I’m always here.

**golden gaytime:** whatever bastard

Welcome to bible study!

5:40 PM

**golden gaytime:** you’re not gonna believe this shit

**golden gaytime:** al has advanced past picking up stray cats to picking up stray humans

**golden gaytime:** i grow closer to becoming an only child every day

**this bitch empty:** he was going to starve :(

**golden gaytime:** he was wearing calvin klein i think he could manage a burger 

**:3c:** why were you staring at his kleins hm? got a little gaytime crush hm?

**golden gaytime:** i invoke my right to remain silent. 

**this bitch empty:** don’t worry! i got his number :)

**golden gaytime:** he could be an actual murderer al

**this bitch empty:** a risk i’m willing to take 

**bob the builder:** how do you know he’s not like 30

**this bitch empty:** we found him at college!

**this bitch empty:** his name is ling say hello!

king dingaling has been added to Welcome to bible study! 

**golden gaytime:** welcome to hell you owe me $30 

**king dingaling:** well that’s not a very nice way of welcoming someone!

**this bitch empty:** brother i will not hesitate to end you. 

**bob the builder:** hello ling! I sincerely apologize for edward, he is deeply disturbed and we haven’t figured out how to contain him yet :(

**golden gaytime:** i no longer have friends.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so i wanted to rewrite this but i didn't wanna delete my old fic so here. the first three chapters won't change much other than they're older and edling aren't together yet.
> 
> anyways thank you for reading and leave a cheeky lil comment if you like <3


End file.
